Blog

what a tragedy

One of the reasons why the title of this blog is all lowercase is because my life is a real life tragedy. I had the love of my life in my hands and then let it slowly slip away… As we all know i’m definitely not the best when it comes to relationships but i’ve gotten better at them, which is a positive thing, but my “positivity” has turned to negativity.

I’m just going to give you the run down of the past couple weeks. Since spending the night at Cade’s house that one weekend, there was a change in everything. Life was great and nothing was wrong, to me at least, but apparently everything was wrong to him. We broke not once but twice because he cannot seem to find what he wants to do with his life. The day of the first time we broke started off normal; I woke up, got ready for school, texted him good morning (knowing damn well his ass wouldn’t be up until noon), and went on about my day. I realized as I was scrolling through twitter that he had been awake even before me, but I was left on read. So just as any sane girlfriend would do, I didn’t text him until he texted me back…he never texted me until later that day saying “Hey babe, I’m going to call you after work, okay? okay! *angel emoji*” and I didn’t think anything of it because we usually talked on the phone. Little did I know that he was going to talk to me about how he can’t work with my schedule, and how he hates that he never gets to see my only but 4 days out of the week… I figured that it would be the end of the beginning because it had only been 3 or 4 weeks since we had been “official” but a week later he came crawling back. We talked our “issues” out because ya know COMMUNICATION IS KEY AS FUCK. I told him I wasn’t pressuring him into doing anything he didn’t want to do and he said “but I do want you” and so there, we got back together and things we’re off to say the least. We hung out like normal, and then not even a few days later I fucking wake up to a text at 6 in the morning saying “lex imma be honest…i know it’s late but i just can’t stop thinking rn & i need to let you know how i feel. i truly don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.. i wanted to make myself think i was, but I’m not. i still have a lot to work on and i need do that without and distractions. i still want to remain friends with you & I’m always here for you. nothing will ever change that, i just wish i could say this in person but i can’t wait… i hope you understand where I’m coming from ://”

I cried myself back to sleep. It was the best way to start off spring break.

I didn’t reply to him until the next day because the things I wanted to say in that moment would have destroyed everything we had together, relationship and friendship wise. Now to the fun part. I still had his twitter notifications on because I forgot about them and I saw that he kept liking and talking to this other girl that oddly as is sounds looks like me but with tattoos and she can smoke pot whenever the fuck she wants. Now all I can think of is she who he left me for? My heart physically hearts when I see when they talk. I lost the love of my (current situation) life to another low-life dumbass.

I could have given him the world and I would have but he’s an idiot that I still have feelings for. I realized just how strong those were when I saw pics of him when he was younger and it brought me so much joy to just see him happy. If this is how he’s happy then so be it, but I won’t be back for round three unless he changes for the better like he said he needed to do, which he hasn’t began yet.

My heart hurts everyday but the lesson of all this is if someone really wants you they WILL fight for you. In my case, no one fought for me but myself.

 

The joys of growing up

Im just gonna bring y’all up to speed about my last blog post since it has been f o r e v e r and for that again, I am sorry..anyways..

Cade and I are still together and haven’t had any problems..and its a little concerning…

The sex is great, don’t get me wrong but I just didn’t realize what my ass was getting into. Over the course of our relationship i’ve realized that he doesn’t do jack sh*t. All he does 24/7 is smoke pot and chill with his friends and work maybe 3 days out of the week. With my schedule being super freaking busy because of track, school, and work I see him maybe twice a week. At one point I found myself not going to class because I wanted to spend all day in bed and hanging with him, but I realized that I’m just hurting myself with something that might or might not be temporary. Since then I haven’t skipped class for him, I’m trying to get my sh*t together. Is this what I really want for myself? Someone that is turning 22 this year that still lives with his parents, smokes pot with high schoolers..No I don’t and I don’t know why i’ve stayed this long. I guess I’m hoping for a change in him, but so far nothing.

My eyes are opening up to the nativity that I had and I regret a lot of it. Most of it.. All of it. But I am still naive and I’m still with him..

 

SO now to what I actually want to talk about.

Since starting college i’ve been having trouble with my parents. I have no clue if it’s because I’m the oldest and they’ve never been through this before or what but they get mad at every little thing that I do. I don’t think they understand that with track, I have a ton of things to do throughout the week. 97% of my time is during the week is school and track. That’s it. They think that I’m trying to avoid coming home and seeing them or spend time with them. I try as much as possible but every time I do I feel like I’m being pushed away and it is beyond annoying. They always tell me i need to communicate with them and I need to tell them if anything is going on, and lately i’ve been trying. Just a couple weeks ago my mom and I got into a huge argument about a joke that I had made as she was walking out of my room. She said “F*ck you” and went on this rant about how she doesn’t need to pay for my college or for a new car or for me to move closer to school. Lets just say I didn’t go home that night and usually I would’ve gotten a text or something from one of my parents but I got nothing. First off they offered to buy me a brand new car of my choice (within limits) to get me to stay home and not move out and move closer to school. Im trying to avoid the 35 minute drive, not pull up in a shiny new car (even though I wish I could have both). But earlier that same week my dad and I got into another fight about me moving out and he was telling me how tired he was of working and then coming home to my mom and I fighting, well if my mother wasn’t so mother*cking sensitive maybe we wouldn’t be in this metaphorically speaking, tiny ass boat. Honestly its such a horrible feeling that I can’t shake and I know that I put up a front but shit man…its tiring hiding all my feelings because my own family won’t freaking listen. Oh and get this, super bowl weekend my family went to my grandparents house for dinner and my grandma called me asking where I was (I fell asleep while they left) and she asked why my mother and weren’t talking and I told her we got into a fight, then she told me I needed to not spend the night at random peoples houses (I spent the night at my best friends of almost 7 years house that lives 5 houses down from me..) and that I was always welcome at her house. My grandmother had never done that before, and not gonna lie I was thinking of asking to move in with her. Things settled for about a week or so then this past weekend my dad and I got into ANOTHER argument and I didn’t come home this time either. I told him I was going to hang out with my friend Mikeala because I hadn’t seen her in like almost two weeks and then I said I was gonna spend the night at her house and he said no..LOL as an 18 year old in college that runs track, doesn’t do drugs, and rarely drinks anymore I was pissed. I asked him why not and he said “because you don’t need to be spending the night at anyones house.” and I said “Im 18, in college, what the hell are we going to do?????” and he said “I already told you no, you either respect that or you don’t and do whatever the f*ck you want.” LMAO I did what I wanted and didn’t go home.

And now I have a confession to make…so I didn’t spend the night at Mikeala’s, I spent the night at Cade’s because he had the house for the weekend since his parents and siblings were out of town. He had a few friends over and we all  just chilled and we all ended up falling asleep. No lie, I felt really guilty about not going home that in my sleep I started getting paranoid and dreaming that my dad knew what I was up to and found me..that’s the scariest shit to go through. Now its Monday, February 20th and my parents haven’t said a word to me since Saturday and i’ve come to accept the fact that I really can’t do much about it. If y’all have ever gone through something like this with your parents please tell me how y’all worked through it. But that’s all I got for now.

 

XOXO, L

 

Fresh start…Maybe..

It’s been a while since I wrote and I’m sorry for that but I had decided to take a break from social media and other shit while on my break before the semester started. Anyways, winter break was GREAT. I got out of the state and got to get away from Keller and all the toxic people there. I came come and started to focus on MYSELF and it was going pretty well to say the least. I toned up with a new workout routine and met some new people that I see being in my life for a while especially one person in particular I want to talk about *insert angel emoji here lol*.

 

His name is Cade. Oh Lord blessed me with this one. My new years resolution was to get out of my comfort zone and so far I’ve been keeping up with it in a lot of aspects of my life. Cade isn’t a “normal” person, he looks kinda like Tarzan…OKAY A LOT LIKE TARZAN. He has the long hair, he’s super freaking tall and he’s older..but older doesn’t always mean more mature. He’s going to be 22 this year and he serves at a “high end” restaurant on the richer part of town, not taking college class, oh and did I mention he smokes weed? Well, I’m not gonna be all up tight about the weed because not gonna lie i’ve smoked before and it is a great stress reliever…not that I recommend doing that but it’s just a suggestion. I’m getting off topic again… well yeah, Cade. He definitely not the cutest guy around but he’s so sweet and has a good heart, and I trust him 100%, the thing is I don’t trust other people.

So if you remember the girl from one of my previous posts, the post man sloppy seconds ex best friend of mine? Yeah her, lol well here she is trying to take my mans away from me. I’m not insecure due to her because unfortunately for her i’ve done more in my 18 years of life than she has done in the past 4 years. After our last fiasco I do not under any circumstances trust the bitch. Im not home by myself 24/7 like her because UNLIKE her I have track practice all week, 2 times a day 3 days a week and on top of that I actually have school. This semester I’m likely to be traveling for competition and I’m taking 15 credit hours which is 5 college classes, 3 online, which makes my life more difficult, but I simply do not have as much free time as they both do. I guess my biggest fear is that the little bitch takes advantage of the fact that I’m barely home to get closer to him but ya know we’ll see because this time around i’m not taking any shit from her again. Oh and my ex told me “if you really like someone, you’ll make the time for them.” he was right and I’m making as much time for Cade with my busy ass schedule as possible, but then again my education is more important so we’ll she how it goes. I’ll definitely keep y’all updated on this situation but I honestly thought I was gonna get a fresh start this new year but right now things are looking like they’re being picked up where they were left off last… I might be a little paranoid but ya know that’s how shit goes I guess..

Okay, now I feel better about this and I’m gonna rock this shit and not even a bitch is gonna a stop me.

XOXO, L

Finals week prep and stresses

So it’s finals week and last night was…well to say the least it wasn’t pretty..I had a Chemistry test on Friday and I studied so much for it and it was supposed to be the easiest test of the year and I fucking bombed it. Not really, but I got a 65 and I needed a 70 so I could have a little leeway on the final next week. When I saw what I got my heart completely sank, I felt that I had been crushed and that my heart was in the pit of my stomach. Ive never failed a class and I really didn’t wanna start now. I feel like I’m disappointing my parents even though they don’t know the extent of my grades, I feel like not setting a good enough example for my little brother, I just felt like I wasn’t good enough for anything. Anyways I got in the shower last night and still felt the burden of my failure weighing me down and that’s when everything started falling apart. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t call for help because I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tell whether the water was from the actual shower or the tears that kept rolling down my body. As I felt the walls closing in on me I had finally got up from the corner of the shower and climbed out of the tub onto the bathroom floor. I had no clue what had just happened to me moments ago and what I would call it. I self diagnosed myself with a panic attack. Never had I had a panic attack in my life. Ive always been a free spirit type of person, and tried not to worry about the things that would make me worry. After getting out of the bathroom I went to my room to change but found myself again, lying in the middle of my floor silently crying to myself in hopes that this is all a really bad dream. I couldn’t sleep because of all the crying I did and to top things off I had to get up early for weights. I woke up with the puffiest eyes I’ve ever had and I looked at myself and said “I’m fine” and went about my morning.

 

Please take time for yourself during these next few weeks as you prepare for finals. It’s okay to break down and have a relapse. Even if you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom just know there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. And if you’re lucky enough to not be stressing about much then check on your friends, especially the ones who seem that they are at there strongest because I can guarantee that they are the ones that need you the most during this time. I hope you guys do go on your finals and please study hard and take everything a day at a time. If you need anyone to ever talk to about anything feel free to email me or comment and i’ll get back to you as soon as I can!

 

XOXO, L

Midnight thoughts

This is my first post so I’m new to this so bare with me here…I promise I’ll get better at this lol.  Anyways so right now it’s 12:26 AM where I live and I’m just scrolling threw my PT (private twitter) timeline and I see a tweet that made me so unreasonably mad, and it shouldn’t have. This tweet came from my old best friend (we had a falling out our freshman year of high school), saying that my ex made her so happy and he knew how to make her laugh and bring her up when she’s down….LOL first off let me tell you the real on *Jake. Jake was literally every girls dream boy in high school, 4-year varsity football player, the body of a god, and the most charming boy you could ever meet..unfortunately those are the ones you have to look out for. *Jake and I had always gone to school together but never talked to each other. He was (obviously) the popular boy through middle school and high school and I was the band nerd that ran track. But one day during the last month of our senior year I got a snapchat (romantic, I know) saying that we should hang out. Me, fangirling and freaking out that THE *JAKE RODRIGUEZ was actually talking to me had agreed to go to dinner with him….little did I know that would be the worst and best mistake I would make in my life up to date. A week goes by and the day of our first date is upon us..I remember telling my mom 15 minuets before leaving that I was going out to dinner with him..I was excited as hell but I was also low-key suspicious because he and his ex had broken up less than 3 months prior to our date, I didn’t have dumbass written on my forehead (okay..maybe I did in little letters).

ANYWAYS

The date went well, he kissed me good night and we went our separate ways. We got closer as graduation crept up but something kept bugging me in the back my head…I knew that a boy wouldn’t or more like couldn’t be over someone he dated for almost two years just in a blink of an eye, so I was cautious the rest of the time we were together. For the couple of months through summer that we were together things were great we meet each others families, went to graduation parties, spent the night together, had breakfast dates; pretty much everything you could think of, people were literally rooting for us to be together, but again I was getting weird vibes the closer college came. He was focused on getting a spot on a collegiate football team and I was busy coaching and focused on track. We were really supportive of each other and what we had going on, we saw each other often so there weren’t any problems..except for one.

We went and got dinner one night and he was telling me how the whole football thing is kinda over for him and he started talking about how the second time he broke his leg he got upset and how everyone tried to cheer him up and then he said “I was in a good place in my life with my friends, and my girl *Lauren” and he realized how he worded that and he tried to change the subject and I was like okay…we we’re basically together but we weren’t “together” and that had been on my mind for those past couple weeks but I finally grew the balls to ask him where everything stood. I knew it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. I just texted him a and said to myself  “is what it is and I’ll be his friend if he wants to be but I’m done putting in my effort if I’m not gonna get any effort back.”, and when he said “I love being around you and you’re great person inside and out” that  hit me hard, I was just like no you can’t do that you can’t play with my feelings like that for months.. after him saying all that, it made me want to stop talking to him altogether but THEN he also said “I thought I was just going to be another guy you talk to” and that pissed me off the most but he didn’t even know me. He was assuming things before even getting to even know who I was. So I cut him off and not even a day later he was all laid up with my old bff for a week then he started talking to a girl younger than us that had the same last name as me.. crazy right? Little did he know that he had already lost the one thing that could’ve given him everything.

This post was a bit lengthy and probably has no effect on whoever is reading this, and you probably think “why is she talking about this after 4 months?”, and the reason is I haven’t gotten to completely “heal” since. Moral of this story is don’t let a fuckboy ruin your life, he’s definitely not worth the tears you’re going to cry. Also don’t let the backstabbing bitch you used to call a best friend get you down because she’s ALWAYS going to get the sloppy seconds, if you know what I mean. And as for the girl he left you for, don’t be mad at her because he’s going to put her though the same shit he did to you. She’s just an ego feeder to him, at least you had the decency to realize you’re an independent bad ass.

XOXO, L

*names have been changed to spare them the embarresment:)

Comment and let me know what y’all think and what else you guys would like to read! I’m an open book, love y’all!

First blog post

Through my high school life I was screwed over so many times by people who haven’t been exposed but have always felt the need to expose their enemies. While I don’t have any enemies, I do have mistakes. These mistakes in my life up to now are what I am going to be writing about and like I’ve said before, I’m not holding back.

XOXO, L

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑