One of the reasons why the title of this blog is all lowercase is because my life is a real life tragedy. I had the love of my life in my hands and then let it slowly slip away… As we all know i’m definitely not the best when it comes to relationships but i’ve gotten better at them, which is a positive thing, but my “positivity” has turned to negativity.
I’m just going to give you the run down of the past couple weeks. Since spending the night at Cade’s house that one weekend, there was a change in everything. Life was great and nothing was wrong, to me at least, but apparently everything was wrong to him. We broke not once but twice because he cannot seem to find what he wants to do with his life. The day of the first time we broke started off normal; I woke up, got ready for school, texted him good morning (knowing damn well his ass wouldn’t be up until noon), and went on about my day. I realized as I was scrolling through twitter that he had been awake even before me, but I was left on read. So just as any sane girlfriend would do, I didn’t text him until he texted me back…he never texted me until later that day saying “Hey babe, I’m going to call you after work, okay? okay! *angel emoji*” and I didn’t think anything of it because we usually talked on the phone. Little did I know that he was going to talk to me about how he can’t work with my schedule, and how he hates that he never gets to see my only but 4 days out of the week… I figured that it would be the end of the beginning because it had only been 3 or 4 weeks since we had been “official” but a week later he came crawling back. We talked our “issues” out because ya know COMMUNICATION IS KEY AS FUCK. I told him I wasn’t pressuring him into doing anything he didn’t want to do and he said “but I do want you” and so there, we got back together and things we’re off to say the least. We hung out like normal, and then not even a few days later I fucking wake up to a text at 6 in the morning saying “lex imma be honest…i know it’s late but i just can’t stop thinking rn & i need to let you know how i feel. i truly don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.. i wanted to make myself think i was, but I’m not. i still have a lot to work on and i need do that without and distractions. i still want to remain friends with you & I’m always here for you. nothing will ever change that, i just wish i could say this in person but i can’t wait… i hope you understand where I’m coming from ://”
I cried myself back to sleep. It was the best way to start off spring break.
I didn’t reply to him until the next day because the things I wanted to say in that moment would have destroyed everything we had together, relationship and friendship wise. Now to the fun part. I still had his twitter notifications on because I forgot about them and I saw that he kept liking and talking to this other girl that oddly as is sounds looks like me but with tattoos and she can smoke pot whenever the fuck she wants. Now all I can think of is she who he left me for? My heart physically hearts when I see when they talk. I lost the love of my (current situation) life to another low-life dumbass.
I could have given him the world and I would have but he’s an idiot that I still have feelings for. I realized just how strong those were when I saw pics of him when he was younger and it brought me so much joy to just see him happy. If this is how he’s happy then so be it, but I won’t be back for round three unless he changes for the better like he said he needed to do, which he hasn’t began yet.
My heart hurts everyday but the lesson of all this is if someone really wants you they WILL fight for you. In my case, no one fought for me but myself.